Doug Cutting’s Been Hiding a Secret for 10 Years: What it is Will Shock You.

Categories: General

This year we celebrate the 10th anniversary of Apache Hadoop. Doug Cutting has been working on Hadoop and associated technologies that whole time, and we can all agree that Hadoop’s rise has been nothing short of remarkable.

Doug with Hadoop

Apache Hadoop, of course, is open source software. Not only can you freely download the compiled artifacts, but also the code itself. What could be more transparent than that?

Just look at this cute little guy with nothing to hide:

Apache Hadoop LogoBut what if I told you that Doug Cutting, Hadoop’s founder, has something very big to hide? Something so big that it will shake the Apache Hadoop community to its very core.

Something that will make all of us question how Doug’s been producing software all these years, and whether or not Doug really deserves any credit at all for writing the software he’s associated with?

Could you believe it? Would you be terrified?

terrified

Well BUCKLE UP! Because we’re about to blow the roof off Doug’s Big Secret… Yes, you read that correctly… there’s nothing to hide now.

[scroll past the break for more]

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That’s right, folks… the famously technically talented, and famously very tall, Doug Cutting is in fact…

doug-reveal

THREE SMALLER ENGINEERS STANDING ON EACH OTHER’S SHOULDERS.

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Of course this revelation raises all sorts of questions…

  • How did Doug manage to wear shorts every year at the Cloudera company picnic?
  • In all of Doug’s travels, has a TSA body scanner never noticed that Doug is actually three people?
  • Why on earth did Doug do this in the first place?

And, perhaps most importantly, who is actually responsible for writing all of the software that Doug is credited with having written?

monkey-typewriter

We may never know the answers to some of these questions, but on the last one we have some idea. Once it was made clear that this cat is thoroughly out of the bag, this journalist was able to get some of Doug’s co-conspirators to come clean.

“I served as the torso and arms from about mid 2009 to the end of 2011” said Todd Lipcon, Software Engineer at Cloudera. He continued, “during that time we would rotate interns to serve as the legs. I’ve heard that Tom White may have been the arms before me, not really sure.”

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Asked for comment, Mike Olson, Cloudera’s founder and current Chief Strategy Officer said “I’ll admit, I always found it a little odd that Doug would pour all of that food down his pants at lunch every day. Somehow it never really made a mess. It didn’t make much sense to me, but I didn’t want to ask questions.”

mr-bean-eating

Given this revelation that the once-revered Doug Cutting is little more than a cotton cloak full of people, and given his clear willingness to mislead an entire industry, can we really trust anything he claims to have done up to this point? Was he really the first to solo summit Everest? Is he actually the creator of the world’s largest playable guitar? Nothing is sacred.

Hey Doug, if you’re reading this, how about you start Cutting out the baloney?

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